Acknowledgements: A big "THANK YOU" to Mr. Joseph Arendt for his invaluable contributions. Also, the original story and all the characters, with the exception of the policeman, are owned by Simon and Shauster, not me! As you will see, they have been returned unscathed. This piece of work has been done with no profit motive whatsoever, and only for the purpose of providing good humour... or so I hoped...
Sincere regards,
Melissa Ngo
(Enter Al-Rousasa, as Narrator)
| AR: | This incredible task has been done! I'm sure you'll enthusiastically agree with me that this is the world's greatest literary masterpiece! Dead on Target has so often been cited as one of the best Hardy Boys' casefiles ever written. To pay a tribute to this great piece of literary work, what greater way to do so than to imitate the style of the world's greatest playwright, William Shakespeare? For starters, here are three good reasons for reading this tragic masterpiece effort. |
| 1) See Frank and Joe as never before! |
| 2) Hear the characters speak in blank verse! |
| 3) It should be a hell of a spoof... so you will have a good laugh! |
Now I take great pride in presenting to you the characters of this story. We have:
| Frank Hardy - a bloomin' 18 year old Bayport High student with keen interest in detective work. |
| Joe Hardy - Frank's bloomin' brother, 17 years old, also with a keen interest in detective work. |
| The Gray Man - the bloomin' secret agent of the bloomin' Network! |
| Callie Shaw - Frank's bloomin' girlfriend. |
| Senator Philip Walker - the bloomin' man running for President! |
| The policeman - the bloomin' idiot that gets himself killed by me later on. |
| Iola Morton - the bloomin' idiot girlfriend of Joe that I kill right at the beginning. |
| Chet Morton - the bloomin' brother of the bloomin' idiot girlfriend that got killed by me at the very beginning. |
| Mr. Morton - the bloomin' sire of the idiot dead girlfriend and her equally idiotic bloomin' brother. |
| Mrs. Morton - the bloomin' wife of the bloomin' moron above and bloomin' dam to the bloomin' dead idiot girlfriend and her equally idiotic bloomin' brother. |
| And of course, the only character that isn't bloomin' in this play - It is I! The ruthless, deadly terror that strikes fear into the bravest hearts. I am Al-Rousasa, the Bullet that never misses! The Invincible! The... |
(Other characters onstage drag AR offstage.)
| AR: | (offstage) And here's presenting... Dead on Target, The Abridged Tragicomedy! Also known as Dead on Target, the Corrupted Version! Brought to you by the pure genius know to Hardy Boys fans as Melissa Ngo... |
[A parking lot. An automobile is on stage left. Backdrop of streetlights and other cars. Iola enters stage right, quickly crosses stage, enters car, and, unseen by audience, leaves car. Frank and Joe enter stage right, walking slowly.]
| Frank: | Thy girlfriend is waiting in our chariot. |
| Joe: | Dost thou think Iola be'st angry with me? |
| Frank: | Aye, she's that. Just cause the damsel has. Thou Wast rude to oogle other women when Out with her. |
| Joe: | 'Tis true, but shameful of me. Yet be'st My manly charms so! I know, I shall apologize. |
| Frank: | That is the noble course of action. |
[Before Frank and Joe reach car, it explodes. Smoke and flash effect, followed by rotating platform replaces car with wreckage. Alarums sound, sirens and alarms heard offstage. Lots of red lights and smoke.]
| Joe: | Avaunt, Frank, quit my sight! In those raging Flames Iola lies caged, and save her I must! (runs to the flaming wreck) |
| Frank: | Dost thou want thyself killed? (tackles Joe) T'is impossible she still lives. Realize this. |
| Joe: | No, I shall save her yet! Quit thy hold on me! (surges up, punches Frank and runs toward the blaze again) |
| Frank: | When to the fierce flames thyself doth throw'st, Thou wouldst likely to heaven's hell go'st! (karate-chops Joe. Joe goes limp.) (aside) Never should we have come'st. |
[Pews or chairs mark out the interior of a chapel, dressed up with religious items. On stage left is a podium. A partial wall extending two thirds across stage marks end of chapel. Stage right is either outside chapel or its entry lobby. Frank appears, stage right. Callie follows.]
| Callie: | Halt, Frank! Woulds't thou slow'st thyself for me? (Frank stops and turns around) Wherefore art thou alone? Where be'st Joe? |
| Frank: | Inside, methinks he be. Never saw him Betwixt the sunrise and now, did I. Yea Heard I his pacing steps in the chamber The dark night before. (takes Callie's hand) Mad, this whole family shalt be. |
(They enter the funeral chapel. Joe is sitting in the last row.)
| Callie: | Ne'er didst I see Joe in a suit, methinks. A different person he looks. |
| Frank: | A different person he acts. Didst thou Ever see him sit thus still? |
| Callie: | Methinks i'spite o' his wandering eye, Iola he did love true. |
| Frank: | Thy thoughts do I share. E'er since the fireworks, Silent had he been. Not a word E'en to me. |
(Service ends. Joe approaches the Mortons.)
| Joe: | (to the Mortons) Sorry that I am, I cannot heave my heart into my mouth. If only I had known... (Chokes emotionally) Therefore speechless, my friends, Joe leaves thee. (to Frank) Thy arm, Frank. I need'st thy support. |
(Flourish. Enter Gray Man.)
| GM: | The noble Hardys, I presume. Of thy Talents have I heard thee of late, and have Come to invite thine honourable selves To join our noble army, of perpetual Quest to vanquish the evil Assassins. |
| Frank: | To avenge fair Iola is ours. To Join thee is to our happiness. |
| GM: | Thou art to comprehend thy lives be'est In great danger. Thou art nothing else to Do than within familiar territory Remain protected. |
| Joe: | [aside] What shall Joe speak? Peace, and remain quiet. T'is not to be so. |
[THE SHOWDOWN! A balcony meant to represent a catwalk crosses the entire stage. It is about five to ten feet up, although meant to represent much higher. On stage left is a platform about one foot up, meant to represent a platform for a political rally. Dress up platform with flags and red, white, and blue banners. On the one-foot-tall platform is a podium. Normal level of the stage is where supposed audience for political rally will be. Frank and Joe enter stage right. Nobody else on stage.]
| Joe: | Thou'st tracing the explosive components Used in our former chariot bore fruit. We Know'st now that Al-Rousasa blow'st Up both it and my true love. |
| Frank: | 'Tis regrettable he had departed his Foul lair before our arrival. We Didst discover written there his plan to Assassinate good Senator Walker. |
| Joe: | Aye, 'tis so. |
| Frank: | I shall endeavour to persuade the great senator not to take to the stage. |
| Joe: | Whilst thou doest so, I shall check probable locations a sniper would hide! |
(Frank bows to Joe, then Frank exits stage left, passing one-foot platform. Joe exits stage right. Short pause, then rousing patriotic music. Al Rousasa stealthly appears from stage right, but up along balconey. Al Rousasa carries a viola case.)
| AR: | Whilst a bomb worked best for Miss Morton, I believest a rifle will better serve for the senator! |
(AR licks lips, then squats down and opens viola case. AR begins assembling rifle. Meanwhile, Walker enters stage left, on top of one-foot tall platform. Frank follows also on platform and grabs Walker's arm. Walker pushes Frank away. Walker moves behind podium. Frank leaves platform and steps down to stage floor. Audience for speech includes Callie, a policeman, Chet, other surviving Mortons, the Gray Man, and others)
| Frank: | (To Callie) My brother and I discovered that Al-Rousasa plans a foul fate for Senator Walker! |
| Callie: | An assassination? |
| Frank: | Aye, indeed so. |
(From stage left on balconey, Joe enters. He stealthily creeps up on AR.
| Joe: | Halt villain! |
(Joe leaps on AR. They wrestle.)
| Callie: | (looking up to balcony) Frank, doest thou see? Thy brother is in peril! |
(On balconey, AR then breaks away from Joe. Joe falls on top of rifle. Viola case itself kicked off balconey. Below, Frank and Policeman run off and exit stage right.)
| AR: | Thou art a fool! |
(AR hauls Joe up by the collar. Rifle is uncovered. Joe kicks gun off balconey.)
| Joe: | Fool may I be, yet the Senator is now saved! |
| AR: | (Release Joe and pulls out long knife) Ye shalt take his place! |
(AR throws him against the concrete bench, trying to stab him. Joe tries to catch knife and cuts his left palm.)
| Joe: | Thou dost slice'st my hand, villain. Untimely comes this hurt. |
| AR: | Buahaha! Ha, ha! Ha, ha! |
(Joe kicks him in the knee. Enter policeman stage right, on balconey.)
| P: | Halt! Who's there? |
(AR stabs the policeman and reaches for his gun.)
| P: | He has killed me, brave youth. Run, I pray thee! |
| Joe: | Fight, villain! |
(Joe lurches to his knees and rams a fist into AR's face. AR flies over the railing but catches the edge of the floor. Joe stares down at him)
| Joe: | You killed Iola, you cullionly scum! To live thou dost not deserve. (raises his foot to stamp on AR's hands, stops and brings it back.) No. To kill thee make'st me thy equal. (reaches for AR's wrist) Take thee my hand. I shall pull thee up. |
| AR: | Thou art a fool, Joe Hardy. Mercy wouldst I show thee none. (grins nastily) |
| Joe: | T'is knowst I well. Therefore make'st I a Lousy Assassin. Lousier than thou Make'st thyself, neat varlet. Take my hand. |
(Al-Rousasa reaches up and starts squeezing Joe's injured hand. Joe starts to fall over the railing. Enter Frank.)
| Frank: | Out of my way! (grabs Joe's belt, pulling him back. Al-Rousasa loses his grip and continues falling) |
| AR: | Thou lily-livered - (Splat, dies) |
| Frank: | Alas, he now lies dead, and Iola avenged. How dost thou? |
| Joe: | 'Tis never enough. Too much art like him, and our war shall never cease. |
(Enter Gray Man.)
| GM: | Thou did our country a noble service. Wouldst thou join our battle forces? |
| F&J: | We are at thy humble service. |