Interview #3
THE ROOM and Middle Earth
| Frank: | *landing unceremoniously in THE ROOM again* Ahhhhhhhh! Noooooo! Why am I here again?! *looks around wildly and sees Mel sitting smugly in the chair* |
| Mel: | Mwahahahahaha... |
| Frank: | I swear your laugh's getting scarier each time. And why is THE ROOM capitalized? |
| Mel: | *raises eyebrows* Doesn't it sound better giving it an ominous name? And by the way, this is only the third interview. You haven't heard the worst of the laughs yet. |
| Frank: | *shudder* Well fair enough... I thought you were sweet on Joe. How come I'm in the room alone with you this time? |
| Mel: | (nonchalantly) Oh Vinita's taken Joe today. We're splitting his company. Today's Saturday, which means Vinita gets him today. I'll get him on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. She takes 2,4,6. |
| Frank: | Geez! Poor old bro... |
| Mel: | Well he gets an off day on Sunday! |
| Frank: | Wait a minute... isn't Vinita a married woman? |
| Mel: | *frowns* You're right! Why, I should be getting him all the seven days of the week! *eyes shining in anticipation* |
| Frank: | *shudder* Well you didn't answer my question. Why are we here? |
| Mel: | We're waiting for Wendy. |
| Frank: | Who? |
| Mel: | The girl who's sweet on you and turned you into Frado when she was really sweet on Legolas whom she named Joegolas in her fic but she really loves Legolas anyways but she still likes you. |
| Frank: | (very confused) Okaaaaaay... |
| Mel: | She should be coming in right about... now! |
((Flash of blinding light. Wendy appears.))
| Wendy: | Yes! |
| Mel: | Yes! |
| Frank: | Noooooooo! A fangirl?! A rabid fangirl?! |
| Mel: | Awwww.... Well Frank we're not here without reason. |
| Wendy: | *Swooning at the sight of Frank* Frank... |
| Mel: | Now now, Wen, focus focus! We're on a mission. We have our damsels... er I mean, our knights in distress to rescue. |
| Wendy: | Huh? Oh right... |
| Frank: | Huh? |
| Mel: | (to Frank) You see, my poor Nicky of Westlife has been chained to the cell of a dungeon while filming the music video for Bop Bop Baby in an old castle. Him and the Westlife boys are playing the musketeers in that vid to rescue some Mary Sue from marrying some old guy. Well anyway that part of the dungeon is actually a portal and he ended up getting teleported into Middle Earth and is now held prisoner along with Leggylulu in Saruman's castle. |
| Wen: | *frowns* It's Legolas, Mel, not Leggylulu. |
| Mel: | Leggy, then. Easier on the tongue too. |
| Wen: | *pouts* Leg-go-las. Is that so hard? |
| Mel: | *frowns* I have a bit of a lisp, Wen. I'm not good at pronouncing the 's'es. Legs going last or not, I'm calling him Leggy. Anyway, I like his legs. |
| Wen: | *pouts even more* He's mine... my own...my preciousssss... |
| Mel: | Ssssth... ssttthhh... how do you say that? Preciousssssth? |
| Wen: | Precious. |
| Mel: | Preciousth. Argh... *starts wailing* ((A/N: I DO have a slight lisp - but I'm working on it!)) |
| Wen: | Never mind. |
| Mel: | *pouts* Well anyway Nicky's signal of distress miraculously reached me and so we shall embark upon our first rescue mission. |
| Frank: | *shudder* And I'm supposed to...? |
| Mel: | With your experience as Frado in dealing with the dark forces of Middle Earth, we have decided to engage your expertise in helping us free our damsels... I mean, knights in distress. |
| Frank: | *crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow* Why SHOULD I help you after all you've done to Joe and myself? |
| Mel: | *crossing her arms and legs and raising both eyebrows* You forget your place, Frank Hardy. I'm the writer here. At the tap of a keyboard you will find yourself in a hot pink frilly tutu and missing half a brain. |
| Frank: | *gulp* Okaaaaaaay.... |
| Wen: | Awww Mel... I know the exam stress got to you but do spare my sweet Frank. |
| Mel: | Well ok... I'll only put him in the tutu. Well let's get going before Saruman tortures my darling Nicky in his delectable musketeer outfit. Leather, jerkins and swords... yummy... |
((Flash of blinding light. Wen, Mel and Frank are now in Middle Earth. To Frank's dismay, he is now three feet tall and has hairy feet. Oh yes, and he wears a frilly hot pink tutu as well.))
| Frank: | *screams* Take it off! Take it off! |
| Mel: | Okay Frado... I mean, Frank. |
((Frank's frilly pink tutu vanishes, leaving him... well never mind, this part's censored. For the sake of the under-16 readers of course.))
| Frank: | Aiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee! |
| Wendy: | *drools* |
| Mel: | That's a nice (censored) you've got there. ((A/N: Not that I've seen one!)) |
| Frank: | I can't go around like this! |
| Mel: | *frowns* Well... you're kinda right. The great Galadriel once said, "The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all." Or should I say, to the scandal of all... Here, take your mithril coat and these leggings which I took off Harry Potter - er, that was a private mission... |
| Frank: | *sobs and sullenly pulls them on, mumbling incoherently* |
| Mel: | What was that? |
| Frank: | *sullenly* I said, I'd be a lot more helpful at my normal height. |
| Mel: | Both Wen and I are around 5 feet tall. We like the impression that we're a couple of feet taller than you this time. Now you will know how it feels like to have to keep looking up at people! Mwahahahahahahaha! Anyway, you look kinda cute like that. |
| Frank: | Really? Well that's a comforting thought... |
| Wen: | *still drooling at the recollection of Frank's censored* Mwelp, weep shue bwee gwoin. |
| Mel: | *hands Wendy a mop that appears out of nowhere* Say what? |
| Wen: | *after wiping drool off* We should be going. |
| Mel: | Oh right... let's see now... Saruman's fortress is just a couple of blocks down. |
| Frank: | Since when were blocks a measurement in Middle Earth? |
| Mel: | Since I put them there. Well anyway, come on and let's go! Keep the mop, Wen. We may find some use for it after we rescue our knights later. Anyway, the shopkeeper said they ran out of brooms. |
| Wen: | Brooms? Lemme guess. The Harry Potter movie? |
| Mel: | Yes - parents these days... getting everything for their kids. |
| Wen: | You're spoilt rotten yourself. |
| Mel: | .... |
| Frank: | Well are we going or not? |
| Mel: | Yubba, let's go. |
((Mel, Wen and Frank troop into Saruman's castle, slaying orcs along the way. Finally they reach the dungeons, where Nicky Westlife and Leggylulu - I mean Legolas - are held.))
| Mel: | Quick Frank, pick the lock! |
| Frank: | *sweatdrop* All right, all right! *gets out the lock-picking set and picks the lock in record time* |
| Mel: | *drooling at the sight of Nicky chained to the wall* Oh my, isn't he delectable... and by George, Legolas does looks fine all chained up too! If only Joe was here - I've gotta get him outta Vinita's clutches! |
| Wen: | *drooling at the sight of Legolas chained to the wall* Who needs Delifrance when you have this? And Nicky does look like a nice dessert! And now I have Frank too! |
| Frank: | *shudder* Oh my, what did I get myself into? |
| Wen: | Dear Lego! |
| Mel: | Darling Nicky! |
| Wen and Mel: | Here we come! *lunge in unison at the chained men and start kissing them furiously* |
| Nicky and Legolas: | *scream in distressed unison* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! |
| Frank: | (under his breath) Oh my, I have to save those poor men! There's nothing worse than rabid fangirls! Where's my brother when I need him? |
| Mel: | *stops making out with Nicky momentarily* Huh, Frank? Did you call for Joe? Oh right! Why didn't I think of it sooner? How dumb of me. Author's license! Well Frank, consider it done! |
((Mel types on the keyboard and Joe appears in the room with lipstick marks all over him and a shirt half torn off his body from Vinita's ministrations- yummy))
| Vinita: | *wailing somewhere far off* I want my Joe! |
((Ahem! Back to the fascinating present.))
| Frank: | Joe! You're here! Hey Mel, how come he could teleport past the orcs? So not fair... we had to slay them on the way here. |
| Mel: | I wanted to see if the orcs were really THAT hard to kill and if they really smelt like Oreos. Turns out they kinda did! *goes back to making out* |
| Joe: | *dazed* What the fish is going on here? |
| Frank: | We have a potential case of Murder One here, Joe! We have to save the poor damsels - I mean, knights in distress! |
| Nicky and Legolas: | *being ravaged mercilessly* Aiieeeeeeeeeee! |
| Joe: | By George, you're right! Oh how traumatized they must be. And chained to the wall, helpless to free themselves too?! Oh my! |
| Frank: | Well what do you suggest we do? |
| Joe: | What we do best, Frank. Create a diversion, free the captives, sacrifice ourselves brainlessly if necessary. |
| Frank: | Great idea! Let's get these shirts off - hey wait... this will work a lot better if I were back to normal size. Oi Mel! |
| Mel: | (irritated) What now, Frank? |
| Frank: | Could you upsize me a bit? I mean, you don't really need my help now, do you? |
| Mel: | (nonchalantly) Oh, all right. Now stop bothering me! I'm doing the serious stuff here. |
| Frank: | *goes back to being six-foot-one, ripping his clothes in the process* Thanks! And ack! Was that Potter kid short or what? |
| Joe: | Potter kid? |
| Frank: | Mel didn't explain... *considers interrupting Mel again but decides against it as he sees her ravishing Nicky with great relish* |
| Joe: | Well never mind. At least you're back to size... how shall we create this diversion? |
| Frank: | I got this idea from what Mel did to me just now... we'll dress up in tutus! |
| Joe: | WHAT?! |
| Frank: | Trust me, it'll work. Especially if you ask to have them removed. |
| Joe: | Somehow my instincts don't agree... |
| Mel: | *suddenly pipes up* Great idea, Frank! |
| Frank: | Thank you! ... Eeeep! You heard me?! |
| Mel: | I'm the writer, remember? I'm the all-knowing! The power is in my hands! I shall reign supreme!! Mwahahahahahahahahaha! er.... but this place IS a little too small... let's teleport the whole scene back to the room! |
| F & J: | Noooooo! |
((Mel types on the keyboard again and now they are all in THE ROOM. Nicky Westlife is in a canary yellow tutu with feathers and Legolas in bright green one with bells. They are now both chained to the wall of THE ROOM. Frank and Joe are cuffed together on an improvised stage between Nicky and Legolas and they wear matching frilly hot pink tutus))
| Nicky: | Aaaaaaaaaaaa (He's a singer, so he gets the pure tones) |
| Legolas: | Arrrrgghh! (He's the warrior, so he gets a roughened edge to his Elven voice) |
| F&J: | Aieeeeeeeeeeeeee! (As any guy in a tutu would scream) |
| Mel: | Mwahahahahahahaha! Well, Wen! Have you got the mop with you? Our post-exam drooling session can now begin! |
| Wen: | *evil cackle* Yes it's here with me! The plan worked to perfection! Thanks Mr. Saruman! |
| Saruman: | *mysteriously appears* You're most welcome, Wendy and Mel! Especially since you got me the Potter kid the last time! He made a most fascinating Uruk-hai. I've sent him on an assassination mission for the cast and crew of A Beautiful Mind, as you've asked of me. A most worthy investment indeed! Long live Peter Jackson! *mysteriously disappears* |
| Wen and Mel: | *grin* |
| Joe: | It's a double-cross! Frank! Never trust the girls! That's what you've always told me! |
| Frank: | Oh the conspiracy! I never foresaw this happening! I should have seen it when I got the Harry Potter pants! And that mithril coat... it's imitation stuff! |
| Nicky: | My girlfriend's the Irish PM's daughter! He'll have the whole Irish armed forces coming after you! And my fellow bandmates! And the manager! And the Leeds United FC too! |
| Legolas: | *hears some scary music in the distance* There is a fell voice on the air! Minions of Saruman? Crebain from Dunland? Ai! Something draws near... I can feel it! |
((Can-can music blasts through the magically installed loudspeakers))
| Mel: | Splendid! Now guys, we are SO ready for your first can-can performance. |
| Wendy: | Oooohh... |
| F&J, N&L: | Aiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! |